The Cutest Celebrity Baby of 2007

Watch out Suri Cruise & Shiloh Jolie-Pitt there is a new baby in town. Her name is Louisiana and she makes you two look like old man alien babies!

My 2 Year Old Drops 'F' Bombs

I swore to myself that I was going to take a break from CW but both kids are nighty night and I can't bring myself to do anymore cleaning.


Yesterday the boy was at his grammy & papa's house while I stayed home to clean the remnants of the super rockin' Yacht Rock Festivus Soiree that was held at our casa on Sunday. I did 7 loads of laundry and two loads of dishes (the chef was proud as I usually refuse doing dishes). As I was finishing my little man came home and I asked him what he did at grammy and papa's. He replied "fucking dude." That's right. Not only did Catcher drop the f bomb but he used it as an adjective.
I immediately went into super mom mode demanding where her heard that. He could barely respond because he kept chanting "fucking dude, fucking dude, fucking dude." I finally got a word in and asked him again where he learned that saying and his response was 'daddy's a fucking dude.' I asked him 'Did daddy teach you that?' He replied 'Daddy's awesome!!!' You could hear the exclamation points when the words came out. It was totally insane and hilarious and genius. I still am not sure if he learned it from me calliong the chef a 'fucking dude' or the chef just spewing the swears. After a few minutes he had forgotten all about the 'fucking dude' and went into his new cook chefin' kitchen so he could make Potato & Vito some dinner.

So my kid swears and it's no surprise. The Chef's got a mouth like a sailor and I don't trail too far behind. I have tried to curb my habit of loose lips but it's really hard when you have to drive where stupid people live. Driving has a way of introducing words that no child or person should ever hear. Driving just sucks. Lord knows if my ass was till in Brooklyn I wouldn't be calling people motha fuckin' bitch sucking assholes as they cut me off on the subway. That being said I have come up with a New Years resolution. I will no longer be saying the following words:
Fuck
Asshole (that never sounds pretty coming out of a two year old's mouth)
Bitch (I rarely use this one but I sure as hell don't want Catcher to be chanting this when he sleeps over my parents house)
I will continue to use the following words:
Hell (cuz it's not a bad word it's a place)
Ass (an animal)
Shit (just because we all do it)

I will however continue to swear on CW. Gotta get it out somewhere.

My 'fucking dude'

Happy New Year!

This is it.  My last post of 2007.

Just wanted to express my absolute gratitude to you, my beautiful & crazy readers.  I started this blog as a therapy for me and as a way to bitch about my husband with no one knowing about (not so much anymore, eh?).

This year my readers have gone from 3 to almost 300 a day.  I have no idea why but it really makes me the happiest Chef's Widow ever.  Have yourself a safe and bubbly filled New Years Eve. And if you are in the Cleveland area I suggest checking out the Chef's Bacchanalian New Years Eve Celebration!

If you missed the Festivus soiree, you missed the best Festivus of all time.  Seriously you did.  Bernie Lomax was there.

Festivus for the Rest of Us!

It's that time of year...

Tonight is our third annual Festivus celebration.  In honor of the feats of strength, airing of grievances, and the Festivus pole I leave you with the genius of Mr. Frank Costanza:

Tired Chef

Asshole Dog

Being the kind souls that we are, the chef & I watched my bro's new puppy overnight. It did not go well. Potato wanted to eat him for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Vito just seethed. I swear you could see steam coming out of his ears everytime Socks [yes that is his name] came around. To really make matters worse, Socks the puppy was not housebroken nor did he like to sleep anywhere but Catcher's bed. Which Catcher was not having. Needless to say we are not getting another dog anytime soon.

13 Signs You Are a Tree Hugging Mom or Dad

1. You drive this:2. You recycle everything.
3. You compost all your food.
4. You wrap presents in newspaper and make bows out of plastic bags.5. You buy organic & local food.
6. You still listen to records and truly believe that the sound quality is way better than cd's.
7. Your husband looks like the Unabomber:

8. You Tivo the following shows:
It's Not Easy Being Green
It's Easy Being Green
Invention Nation
9. You watch the John Lennon documentary that is always on VH1 over and over and it gets you every time.
10. You extensively research eco resorts in hopes that someday you will be able to afford a vaca HERE:
11. You think about bringing hemp necklaces back (all Chef).
12. You spend WAY TOO MUCH $$ on a fabulous 'Green' Prada bag for your environmentally conscious wife.
Yes we know Prada bags don't really say 'Hippie,' but damn do they look fantastic on a Chef's Widows arm.
13. Your daughter wears cloth diapers:

That's right cloth diapers. No disposables for baby girl [except at her grandparents].

*****Sidenote about our Cloth Journey*****

When we decided to embark on this unheard of [in the midwest] practice we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Well it is the end of the first month of using the Diaper-eze diaper service. The one and only service in Northeast Ohio. And I must say that I am really happy with the entire situation. It is honestly the greatest thing. The deliver me the diapers weekly and all I have to do is put the dirty diapers in a diaper pail and make sure to put it out every Tuesday. They clean 'em, count 'em and keep a tally of what baby girl is actually using. Works great for us and baby girl seems to be cool with the cloth. I also like the fact that I don't have to touch poo. Which is usually an inevitable thing. But with this service all I have to do is take the diaper off and throw it in the pail. Easy. No mess. No fuss. And no shit. Today is the start of my new month and we have decided that we are going to continue down the cloth road. I just wish I would have done it with Catcher. Right now I am spending the same amount of money on both kids for diapers which is absolutely unbelievable. Unheard of. Newborns usually require at least double the diapers of a baby/toddler. So if you are thinking of traveling down the cloth diaper road I definitely suggest trying it for at least one month and definitely using a service.


There are many many more signs that you are a Hippie parent including the following:

• You buy BPA free bottles.

• You have organic sheets on your baby's crib that she doesn't even sleep in.

• You are thinking about opening a Green restaurant.

• You subscribe to Mothering Magazine, Natural Home, & Mother Earth News.

• You secretly rent Phish concert dvd's from the library (all Chef again).

Best Wedding Dance Ever.

Thanks Kimmy!

WTF!!!!! 16 Year Old Jamie Lynn Spears Prego?

This is just shocking and sad and it really makes me believe that no matter how much money you have, if your were born in the backwoods you will most likely still grow up hillbilly.

You'll just be a better dressed hillbilly than your poor redneck cousin who is also your grandma. Well that is except Britney, cause lord knows bitch couldn't dress to save her life.

I mean really this is just getting ridiculous. Next thing you know we will find out that K-fed is really Britney's uncle.

It's like the Spears family is straight out of that crazy ass soap opera Passions. You know the one with the midget who died. And the warlocks and shit. And the dude who said he's not gay even though he did it with dudes. I've never seen it but I've heard fantastic things (from Joe McHale of course). The point being is that I always thought it was just Britney who was a cracked out crystal meth smoking hot mess of a mama. Now Jamie Lynn gets to try her hand out the whole mom thing. This is gonna be good.


For fucks sake.

I just can't wrap my brain around this one.

You know what's really devastating? The sad truth that 16 year old Jamie Lynn will most likely be a way better mama than Britney.

The Face of Innocence

How could I ever get mad at this face?

This is Why Tori Amos Kicks Ass

A word of advice: don't disturb Tori Amos while she's working.

Two fans learned that lesson the hard way and ended up with a verbal smack down from the crotchety singer before they were unceremoniously booted from her Wednesday night concert in San Diego. Code Red!

The piano playin' mama was in mid song when she suddenly began lashing out at the girls: "It's a privilege to sit in the front row. I reserve those seats for people who appreciate music. Get the f--- out!"

So much for being silent all these years.

Name That Baby

Ever Wonder What You'd Like Like As An Elf?

Me Neither. But now I know.

The Sweet Sounds of Hunger

Baby Girl is getting hungry...





So hungry that she expresses her pain through an adorably sweet series of squeaks.




Ahh the boob. The answer to all of life's problems.

And yes she really does make this much noise when she eats.

Chef + Drugs=

This

Listen.

I know that you had your balls snipped.

It hurts. And I understand.

But....

There is absolutely no reason at all that you should be sleeping till noon while I have my hands full with both crazy ass kids.

You didn't see me sleeping in after I had the girl did you? And I am guessing that giving birth hurts a bit more than getting a VSG. So wake up before I freak out and shave your head.


Ok that was a little harsh but you laying on the couch while both kids scream and cry and ask the same question 97 times over makes a widow insane.

I Hate Santa Claus

Always have, always will. I was never a believer or fan of the imaginary friends. Even when I was a little tike I knew it was a bunch of malarkey. Now that I am hella old and a mom I need to figure out what to do about the fat man. The problem is that every other parent (no offense) shoves SC down the throats of their children. How can I be the one to negate the lie? Plus do I really want Catcher to be that kid? The one that shatters the dreams of every innocent 5 year old by telling them the honest truth about Mr. Claus.

I discussed this issue with my way smarter BFF and she told me that she is going to tell her littler girl that Santa gives toys to less fortunate kiddies. That got me thinking. Maybe somehow I could tell Catcher the same thing and parlay it into a lesson of giving or helping the less fortunate. Last night I dreamt about a homeless man. This morning the Santa Claus debacle was solved.

I have decided that I will tell him there is a Santa Claus (not a magical man) and he helps people less fortunate than us (Red Cross Santa). On Christmas Day we will go help people (just like Santa). I haven't figured out the details yet but I think we will go to a Homeless Shelter and hand out dinners or maybe a children's hospital and hand out some toys. I think this could be the start of a beautiful tradition.

I just want the boy to know that I have always been honest with him. I hate propagating the lie of Santa. Really it doesn't benefit him. It just makes him think that this crazy fat magical man brings a shitload of toys for no good reason to kids all around the world. In this insanely commercialized civilization I think Santa only makes kids feel like they deserve way more than the do. It gives kids a sense of entitlement to things without earning them. And I'm not cool with that.

And no I'm not a Scrooge. I happen to be listening to Johnny Cash's Christmas album as I type.

~Did I mention that this SC was making a move on my booty as the elves were taking a pic? Really he was~ as the camera flashed Santa's hand moved lower and lower down my back. Thank god Catcher hates Santa and started wailing or I may have had to call Santa on some sexual misconduct~

V DAY : Bye Bye Sperm

That's right my friends we are on the road to being a sperm free couple. No more kids for us! Unless of course we decide we want to adopt a little Russian baby later in life. But as of now my Chef is no longer the sperm producing machine he used to be. Hell within two months, dude should be sperm free. No more birth control pills for this widow. I can't wait. I have been on one form of birth control or another since I was 19. Not that you can tell..

The Chef took the vasectomy like a burly man. Not that I expected him to be a bitch but you know boys and their business. It could have gone very wrong. But he was strong and he seems to be doing ok. I'm sure the percocet is helping. I am so stoked that we can do the horizontal mambo without the fear of getting knocked up again. After Lou we both decided that two kids was way more than enough for us. Plus if we truly want to be retired & barefoot by the age of 45 (which we do) then the kids must be grown and outta the house. Henceforth the vasectomy. We agreed that he would go under the knife since I already pushed two babies (one that was almost 10 lbs) out of my vajajay. It's only fair.

A Chronology of the Big Snip:

Before VSJ (that's Vasectamy in MD lingo) Chef on Valium

Sleeping in the car during Daddy's VSJ

The Chef on Drugs after the big Snip

At home with some berries on his berries....

I would just like to say how proud I am of the Chef for taking one for my team. Granted I've taken one for the team twice and it hurt way the f more than his procedure did but who's counting right? JK JK. You rock and I love ya!

The Hubby's Review

Read it HERE!!!


He kicks ass.

My First Mommy Date

It has been six months since we moved from NYC to Ohio. My god it seems like it's been two years. I guess that's what suburban living does to one.

In that six months I have joined music classes, story times, and even swimming lessons for the boy and have yet to meet any moms. Until now. Long story short I met a mom thru a friend (who happens to be a nightclub event planner). My friend and this mamma (who is from DC) have been planning a Baby Loves Disco theme party called Rock-n-Tots for the great city of Cleveland. I had also been trying to plan a Baby Loves Disco night because of how much the boy and I loved it in Park Slope. My friend suggested we meet. This was a couple months ago.

We finally met last Friday. Getting there was a bitch. The boy slammed his hand in the door leading out to the garage. The girl woke up mid car ride screaming like she just came out of my belly. My emotions kicked in so all three of us spent the 15 minute drive to downtown crying like our hamster just died. When we finally made it to the Great Lakes Science Center I realized I had no change of clothes for baby girl which made me breakdown even more. After about 25 minutes nursing the girl in the bathroom and trying to comfort the boy's owie we were finally ready to head upstairs to the Polymer playroom and meet my new mom friend.

After all the drama of getting downtown and having the kids not act like psychos I was quite glad we made it. I met N, a really cool transplant from DC. After talking for nearly 2 hours we found out have the same mentality about Cleveland and parenting in Cleveland. We hate the burbs and we are both cool with a dance party for kids serving alcohol to parents. She has three super cute kids and she stays home with them. She is also hitched to a pilot for a private jet company. So we are kind of in the same boat with our sig ots.



I cannot even begin to tell you how nice it was to talk to someone that shared a common biew and a similar lifestyle. I feel like ever since we moved to Ohio I have only had this blog to talk to. Meeting moms in Strongsville proved to be fruitless. They judge me by my tattoos or my son's strange name. Not that I care cause most of the women in this burb dress out of a JC Penney catalogue. Seriously, white jeans and Reebok's. It's bloody awful.

N is a different story. I am guessing she even has a few tattoos. I will have to ask her on our next mommy date.

Jimmy Fallon is a Cheap Bastard

Donald Trump left a $10,000 tip for a waiter at the Buffalo Club in Santa Monica.


According to reader Leslie:

My friend Billy works at the Buffalo Club in Santa Monica. A couple days ago Donald Trump came in and left him a $10,000 tip! Wow! My friends think he's just trying to promote his celebrity Apprentice but whatever. Billy told me Donald hardly even talked to him until the end when he asked, "What's the biggest tip you ever got?" I guess Jerry Bruckheimer (sp?) comes in a lot and once tipped him $500 on a $1000 tab and Bill told him. Trump just wanted to show he's got the biggest dick!

The biggest tip I ever got in my waiterssing days was from Jimmy Fallon. $80 on a $20 check. What a Cheapass.
JK JK. It was actually one of the coolest things ever. $80 is like 8 packs of smokes in NYC.

Me & the Lady Lou

I can honestly say that the past month has been the most stressfully beautiful 30 days of my life ever. It all started with this girl. We call her Louisiana.


Who would have thought a second child would be so immensely hard yet so adorable all bundled up into one amazing package? I guess everyone but the chef & I...


I remember how easy Catcher was. I don't know if it was all the pain meds I was on or the fact that the Chef stayed home for almost a month but he was an angel. I swear he was sleeping a full night by the time he was three weeks old. Lou is opposite Catcher. Evrything he loved she hates. The swing, the carseat, the bassinet, the mobile, etc. She just wants to be held or she just wants boob. Girl loves the boob. Wonder where she got that from?

The really difficult part is the combo of the both of them. The scheduling, the conflicts, the missed playtimes, the feedings, the lack of sleep, and the guilt of ignoring one child to tend to another. These things have all weighed heavily on me as well as on the Chef. Not to mention the fact that I can be uber moody and haven't been the nicest of nice this past month. Who would've thunk it?

Things have definitely been tense in our casa but there is a light shining past the dark and I must admit things are getting better & back to normal. The Chef & I have almost been having fun these past couple of days which has been really nice. I have to admit that I really do miss him. It seems as things are starting to settle and we are both getting use to the changes we have had to make in our lives. I think the more time passes the easier things will get although the chef is planning to open another restaurant which no doubt brings the stress but we won't jump the gun on that just yet.

Louisiana is about as edible as a baby can be. I just wanna eat her cuteness.

Neil Young Knows Everything

Especially when it comes to maids. But he got one thing wrong. Not only does a man need a maid, but a woman needs one too. And guess what? This woman's got one. Although in this day and age I am pretty sure that I shouldn't be calling her a maid. Instead I'll just call her this chick from Berea who wears zipper ankle jeans and happens to clean my house. She rocks and she cleans and she rocks out so more to Journey and I couldn't be happier. For $10 an hour she scrubs everything in my house from top to bottom. Even behind my toilet. Wow. I hit the jackpot. Today she came and went in less than three hours. That's right my friends $30 and my house looks like it was just built. Sort of. Good times. Good day. That's all I ask. Well, that's all I ask today at least.


**Chef News**

That fabulous hubby of mine got reviewed and it's not online yet but when it is you'll be the 1st to know. Cheers!

I'm No Homecoming Queen

and the chef is no Brad Pitt (although this one time this crazy ass stoned hipster told him he looked like Papa Pitt) but we sure do make the best looking babies ever.



My little doll baby Lou

and this guy who is bound to break some hearts along the way...

The Most Hilarious & Telling TomKat Photo Ever.

Tots that Rock

COMING SOON TO CLEVELAND, OH & WASHINGTON DC!!!!

Rock -n- Tot is, quite simply, an afternoon of fun. You can come as soon as doors open and be the last to leave, OR come for just an hour or two.

Rock -n- Tot is for families with kids ages birth through twelve. We promise that the adults will have just as much fun as the kiddos! Everyone is invited (older siblings, babysitters/nannies, grandparents, etc.), but an adult MUST be accompanied by a child!!

Non-walkers are free ... everyone else must have a ticket.

Rock -n- Tot is . . . VIP

	The Dance Floor . . .
Our DJs play great music (no "kid" music here, just clean lyrics and a great beat) and encourage everyone to get their booties shakin. We add in scarves and egg shakers to help kickstart the dancing.
	The Lounge . . .
When you just need to get away from it all, check out The Lounge! Stuffed to the brim with toys, puzzles, and books. Best of all, it is in a separate location from the dance floor, rejuvenate yourself and the kids here!
	Crawlers Only . . .
We know that the little ones who aren't yet walking, sometimes need their own play place, without fear of the bigger kids! Bring your pre-walkers here for some quiet time!
	The Cool Kids . . .
We know that sometimes the older crew needs to feel appreciated too! Stay tuned for details on how Rock -n- Tot is cool for your pre-teens too!
	Parent Services . . .
Services will vary month to month, but may include - mini-massages, paraffin wax dip, eyebrow waxing, golf pro tutoring - just to name a few! These services are complimentary for parents, we just ask that you consider tipping the folks that have graciously offered these services to you! If they don't feel the love, they won't come back!
	Nursing Coves . . .
For nursing moms, know that we appreciate your need for privacy. There are areas designated for you and your baby to nurse in peace.
	Changing Stations . . .
Let's face it, bums must be changed! We offer sanitary stations in which to comfortably diaper those bums.
	Giveaways . . .
You will NOT believe the giveaways we have for you! Our favorite products and supplies have been graciously handed over to us, specifically so that we can pass along the greatness to YOU!
	Goody Bags . . .
Each family walks away with a fantastic goody bag filled with . . . well, you'll have to wait and see!
	The List . . .
You will not receive tickets via mail. Please bring with you a photo ID, as well as your printed ticket receipt. You will be required to show ID at the door and your family's name will be contained on "The List", to which door security will have access.
	Parking . . .
Valet parking is available for a reasonable fee. Self-park spots are available on nearby streets.
	Refreshments
Juiceboxes and kid-friendly snacks are provided by Rock -n- Tot. Please remember to bring any necessary items such as bottles, sippy cups, wet wipes, etc. The bar is open (cash or plastic) for those parents not driving, who wish to have a drink.

No Fun in the Champagne Room

Being married to a Chef tends to take it's toll on weekends. He works three days straight and I am a single mom. It especially digs deep when I happen to fall ill, like I am right now. I have a virus and zicam ain't cutting it. The kids are fine but all I want to do is lay in bed, watch 90210 reruns, and drink enough Hot Toddy's to knock my congested ass out. Ahh to dream...